However, it's so confusing because I felt my eyes going white and I shook it off.
I was telling myself, "I'm not writing on this song.. there is no angle and it will be misconstrued and a few moronic people think that someone has hurt me in my past and that's why I have certain opinions."
But, I couldn't let it go. I've played this song at least 20 times this morning and I've heard it plenty of times before today. There is a line that says, " I saw the end, before it begun." This line was on my brain at about 8 am. Ironically, I couldn't remember the song but I was beating myself up trying to figure it out and then BLAM, James Blunt came to mind.
I guess I'm thankful for my eccentric taste in music. I think lots of people will be able to relate to this one. I doubt I'm as witty and funny in the others because it's such a serious topic, but I think the twist... Or at least I'm hoping... Will make sense.
This weekend has been an eventful one. Actually, this past week has been uncanny, but life always unfolds how it unfolds for it's specifics purpose.
Often, in these blogs I mention my sister... Probably the only person on earth that truly knows who I am through and through. That has both it's pros and cons.. It's good to relate to her because we have a family blood bond, but it's also bad at times because I cannot bull shyt Rosalyn. If you think I give it straight with no chase and my delivery is a little raw... I have NOTHING on my big sister. If I'm 180 proof Gin, she's MOONSHINE.
I won't go into detail about what we talked about but her words caused me to self-reflect on a deeper level than I have in quite a time. It made me realize that I needed a change in my approach to how I view myself, my world and my interactions with others.
If you listened to the song, the reason I love it is because I can truly connect with each lyric that he sings. That's such a huge part of who we are as individuals.. Our connections, with ourselves, others, the elements, wildlife, plantlife and everything else that inhabits this planet.
This is a song that everyone can relate too, even more so than the last one I used, Comfortable... It's hard to say good bye to the things or people that we love... myself included.. but in this blog, I didn't write it thinking on someone I was thinking of myself.
I say this title, Goodbye My Lover, to myself. Because I am who I love. That was the angle that I was told to reflect on. As unorthodoxed as it is, it's the simplicity of it that makes it such a profound discovery.
My lover, is... My pain. All of it. The failures, the death, the nights of uncertainty, the discouragement, the cynicism, the lies told and the lies received. The coming to grips with the imperfection, with my intellect, the direction of my life's journey.
"I saw the end.. before it begun"
I do this so much that it's pretty much on autopilot. My sister, and I say this half laughing, told me,
"As smart as you are, you miss the simple things. Life isn't some problem where you can always out-tough it.. Out-heart it, Out-think it... or Out-run it, or whatever action you do to try to give yourself the advantage. Brandon, you calculate the odds before even having all the information you need. You limit yourself because of that.. Always trying to control your heart, or how you feel about someone, or something isn't healthy. That's why you push people away before they see who you are. Not because you are afraid of them seeing you, but your cynical side makes you sever connections because you have told yourself that you need to be isolated to be "FREE".
I F***** HATE TAKING ADVICE... But, she was right. I can control being alone. I go back and forth often on weighing wanting someone and needing no one.
There is a voice inside me that is small but speaks up from time to time... He longs for longstanding connections.. for interactions, he longs to be loved and to give it in return. The only issue is that the louder voice, "My Lover", often overtalks him. Drowns him out when he makes sense. When he starts breaking through. The smaller voice is the voice of my writing. The louder voice often is the voice of my actions.
My struggle... Getting the two voices to merge. That inner battle has gone on for so long that it's hamstrung me. Caused me to over think, and try to play both Director and the STAR in the movie of my life.
The louder voice has always been easier to listen to because he has always protected me. Gave me the angles to play to get my way. He told me when to Hold em and when to fold em... When to walk away and when to Run. He has been the voice of reason.. or at least in my mistaken line of thinking at times, he has been REASONABLE. He has, over time, hollowed me out. Left me partly as an empty shell... and I allowed this because I felt, FOR ME, I repeat, FOR ME, life would be easier this way.
He led me to believe that although I am a dreamer, to dream alone. To dream for only one..
He has held my hand for so long, that I get antsy when I don't recognize his grip being there... And even now as I write this, I'm wondering if it was not the louder, more familiar voice that drowned out the smaller one... but rather, was it me? Ironically, any way that I reply to that, the answer is yes.. Because I am both of them.
Lately, I feel like the Grinch after he saw little Cindy Lou. It's like my heart, which is pretty icy, has grown 3 times it's size lately. I don't wanna fight off the reason or reasons why that has happened, but I hear him... Calling me. Reaching for my hand to lead me away and back to what I have always considered safe.
"You've been to this place before.. You've looked at the ocean.. You've seen the waves... You know them. You know what comes with them.. They are unpredictable.. You don't have the answers... because there are none.. You cannot solve this problem because there is no solution..
Why stand at the end of the peer, teasing yourself.. You're being silly... There is no freedom out there, on uncertain waters, the freedom you seek, the liberation, that you crave, that you desire is not found within anyone or anything... It is within YOU. Only you.. No one will understand you as I do.. I've been there for you.. Do not shut me out.. Do not leave me, Brandon.. You need me. You love me...
For so long, I believed every word he says... I'd like to think I've helped quite a few people over my life, through trying to talk with and understand them. To take my experiences and connect with them so that they know someone has been there.. Alas, it's one thing to battle external conflict... and it's another when there is an internal battle, a war that is constantly waging.
I heard once from a great man of wisdom and knowledge, a cat named HOFFA, and he once said,
"I'm scared everyday... but I'm not afraid."
I understand that phrase now. I've been scared into believing that I can only share the surface of who I am with someone... That revealing who I am, genuinely, at my core, gives them some type of power and control over me.. But in recollection, I have not lost any power because I am the one making the choice.
When we CHOOSE for ourselves... We choose to allow what hurts us. What Guides us, What pushes us, what scares us...
The smaller voice, which has been getting louder, tells me, "You've always known this.."
"Your Liberation, your freedom, is what you choose it to be. You're killing yourself, Brandon because you're fighting your God Given nature. Liberate Tutemae"...(Latin for Save Yourself)
I swear, they stay going at it, but the Smaller voice isn't backing down lately. I've never listened to him as closely as I have been recently. He makes so much sense, but the other one knows me so well. He will tell me, "Stop this nonsense, and let's just go get another tattoo."
Touche' on the Tattoo, old friend. Touche'.
That side understands that I love that pain because it's so familiar.. That I engrave into my skin to remind me to not think of letting it go, regardless of how much it holds me back.
This is why I've had the itch the last few days... He doesn't want to let me go... He wants me to forget feeling this way. Open, touched, vulnerable, imaginative...
So it looks as if I have a choice to make... I'm standing at the end of the dock.. and my feet are hanging over... All that's left is to jump.
This is the Middlefinger, telling myself.... "Damn that water looks cold, son"
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