UN SONADOR DIFERIDO

It's been such a long time since I've been behind this keyboard with the intention to create something that was worth being brought into the realm of reality... Over the past 30 days, so much has gone on, gone up, gone down, gone out in my life. Mi Vida Loca.

Earlier this morning I had a thought cross my mind as I swerved in an out of traffic on Cane Run Rd. and looking in the rearview mirror at my pride and joy still sleep from the previous night, to drop him to his mother, and I asked myself, "Do you still believe in love?"


You may say, "Middle Finger, you talk to yourself?"

To that I answer, "Yep, it's one of the only way that I know I'm going to have Stimulating, intelligent, conversation."

I really don't know why I was having this conversation with myself cuz I was really trying to get to Kroger's before work because they have Caramel Popcorn flavored Rice Cakes on sale for a dollar and I was about to have them on smash down at the job... Cuz Baby, they the best, baby they the best, baby they the best, baby they the best, they the best I ever Smashed, Best I ever Smashed, Best I ever smashed, Best I ever smashed.... Yep, I ate the whole bag.

I love them. Love 'em, Love 'em, Love 'Em. You know what, I love Diet Cherry 7up too, with the Antioxidants included. Whoever thought of that shit... is cool with me.

Okay... I got a lil distracted.. Love can do that too you. It can take you in a thousand directions at once while your feet stand still on the ground. It can sustain you in the desert with no water for miles and miles and yet, you can get by on it.

If you're lucky enough, you'll get to experience the true essence of what the word really is.

I've always been a fan of the early GREEK philosphers, and no, I don't mean some Alpha or Kappa, or Delta, or Zeta or AKA(even though I'm kinda partial to them ;)


As a kid, Socrates, Plato and Aristotle were all able to fascinate me. See, my first love was not a girl.... wasn't the basketball, was not some athlete on the TV I was trying to emulate... It was THOUGHT.

People hated for me to come around during a discussion at an early age because I would always have tons of questions... "What If...." "Why is...." "How come...." And over my three decades I have acquired quite a bit of knowledge from many numerous sources on my different topics...except one..... LOVE.

It is because Love is something that cannot be described in mere words. It is truly something that one must experience on different levels... In the Greek, there is Agape, Eros, and Philia. Each of these forms a different aspect of love depending on what translation you read on.

Eros is where Erotic is derived from. It's a sexual type of love. Based on Sensuality, arousal, excitment, etc.

Philia is more of the love you have for your brother or sister, (non related).

The love that I really like to focus on is AGAPE. I love what C.S. Lewis said in his book, The Four Loves, about Agape... he called it

"the highest level of love known to humanity—a selfless love, a love that was passionately committed to the well-being of the other."

In mediation on this, it makes one ponder why it is such a struggle to love in this way. Why do we love with conditions?

One of my favorite movies of ALL TIME, CITIZEN KANE(watch that joint) directed by ORSON WELLES, has a scene where the main character has an interaction with one of his friends and they discuss love Kane's so called love of the people(he ran for Governor)


Jedidah--- "You don't care about anything except you... You just wanna persuade the people that you love them so much that they outta love you back, but you want love on your OWN TERMS, something to be played your way according to your rules..."

Kane... "A toast then, Jedidah, to love on my terms... that is the only terms anybody ever knows... his own."

I first watched this movie in college... and that line Kane said has rang within my mind for over 10 years... "That is the only term anybody ever knows... His Own.

As much as it pains me to say this... Kane was correct. People do seem to only love on their own terms... Sure, they can P.C. it up and say all the proper things like they was trying to do an OBAMA sound bite, but when it comes to practical application of Loving in the real world.... We seem to love, based on the condition of what suits us.

In that rather long thread on my page today... I asked people what they thought of love truly being able to conquer all or was it rather just a nice thing to say.

I had some people on both sides of the spectrum... but I was torn....The skeptical cynic in me knows what I know about people and how we have the tendency to revert back to being selfish instead of selfless in times of turmoil and conflict within our relationships.

However, I know someone who loves to accessorize, and she often wears numerous bracelets... I've counted anywhere from 6-9 at one time... and there is one that is engraved with a word tht makes me smile everytime I see it.... the word.... "DREAMER"

The Dreamer in me has always longed to believe that the aspect of love, in the Greek terms of both AGAPE and EROS, with the belief that if you could combine the two... then you will have something amazing. I never believed it was attainable because of my cynicism but now i have to ask myself... why not? Why are we afraid to love someone else on a plane that is undescribable with words?

As death comes for us all and in the reflection of that certainty... I think we should dream more. Dream that we can shape and mold ourselves into vessels that could easily exhibit a type of adoration and pleasure, and promise, that we deny ourselves and others because it would force us to come out of our box... To take chances, to risk being hurt and rejected.... to have that love returned voided and unfullfilled..

We have became a people of no risks.... of playing it safe when our hearts are on the line because we don't wanna look foolish like Ashanti in the rain in some too small high heels, not being able to dance worth a damn. "Awe baby...."

There is a conciousness that we as humans have not obtained yet.... To love with more then our minds... or Dick's, or Vagina's... but to love from our essence.... from our inner most core a force that radiates, that reverberates....and moves through lifetimes and generations echoing the simplistic aspect of love that God had in mind for us.... To love... With Freedom.

Excuse my French... but I want someone that I can love the "phuck out of." Not sexual, but just someone who I can just be so engulfed in, so saturated by that in her lowest, unsexiest, unappealing moment, I'd cry out for her touch, her voice... her energy, her scent, to inhale her just as I would on her best day.

Someone that I can love so deeply that if she's broken, then I'll shatter myself into a thousand pieces so that she's not broken alone...

That's the love that the DREAMER in me has gotta have before I die and transition from this life into the next.... If I have to crawl, on my hands and knees to it. Cry out to God for it... Fast in the wilderness for Forty Days, tempted for it... It's what I'm willing to do. That is God's greatest gift to us outside of HIS SON.... To love as He loves us... For, beloved, all that I have listed... Is far less than what God is willing to do to show us AGAPE...

Imagine if we shake off our chains, unloose society's hold on our minds and hearts, and forget our fears... and embrace that type of love.... Imagine what we could do.



This is THE MIDDLE FINGER.... Wondering where all my DREAMERS are, trying to reach you t help begin a change in not only ourselves but in the world...... But yall don't hear me though.